sadly, this turned into a rant post

My thank you to a friend. 

I received your letter and gift in the mail on Friday. 

I don't know what to say, I was really speechless as I was reading it and still in awe and touched by your generosity and heart to respond. I really admire you for responding to what you felt called to from your studies lately. I really hope to be able to bless others and be in that position one day soon rather than receiving. It's really hard for me to accept this type of help, so it'll be really hard for me to go deposit it so soon this week instead of letting it sit untouched for awhile like I did with some gifts from my parents friends, because I refused to accept it. But please know I'm am so so grateful. 

The timing of it arriving on Friday was really a bright light within a really hard weekend and reminder of someone's love and God providing. Its just been rough lately.

The endocrinologist confirmed to me this weekend his recommendation for thyroid surgery because of my enlarged thyroid nodule to figure out if it is cancerous or not. Not sure if I ever mentioned, but this was something I was trying to get diagnosed for quite awhile even before the accident. 

I don't understand this period of my life at all and the many whys that go along with it. I constantly try to stay encouraged in his truths rather than breaking down, such as God wouldn''t give us more than we can handle and he works for the good of those who trust in him. 

(Thank you to her, minus the closing ended here)

Then today after coming home form work, another specialty bill came in the hospitals radiology dept. I thought that was covered in the hospitals own extremely large bill and I thought all the separate specialty bills had arrived already.  Apparently this one is for cat scans, knee scans, and chest scans for my collapsed lung all 12 days I was there. Sometimes I had two chest scans a day....FML. I've never used that expressed in words or typed out. But that is exactly how I feel inside right now and those three letters was the first thing to pop in my mind as I was finishing that thought. :( 

I'm breaking down. I feel so weak and fragile like I'm going to fall apart completely. However weak I felt about 5 months ago from the accident, I think I feel worse right now with everything that happened behind me and everything that is still upcoming with this thyroid ordeal. 

I have so many thoughts and emotions running through me from this past weekend. I want to type/blog and jot all this down to get it out mainly and to document for myself this period of life, but I'm so drained at the same time. Talking with my friend and endocrinologist who offered to talk me through my test results and finding out he could help me when I was on the search for a specialist was surprising and all in the last week also. I am so grateful beyond words for him and the timing.

Talking with my parents about this yesterday was really rough. First my mom, she is more understanding. My dad never sees eye to eye on things with me. I feel like generally he is really cynical, skeptical, suspicious, and it doesn't help he is all of the above and can't see or understand the seriousness of what I have. He thinks because it doesn't hurt and I don't have symptoms, I can leave it alone or wait it out. 

Although my throat has been feeling a little weird on and off for about 2 weeks now. First it was a sore throat. Now I feel like I'm waking up with it hoarser in the morning which never before and in general it sounds lower and feels a little raspy parts of the day. Its making me nervous, i'm hoping it is just something passing and will go away. 

My head hurts from weighing all the alternatives, research, and reading. I don't want to put all this on the other wordpress blog since I feel so ungrateful whenever I rant and complain like this...

I almost didn't go to work this morning because I felt so crappy from the night before. Haven't really talked with friends or anyone about this yet, other than my brother. I feel so bad because I talk to him so much that I know it burdens him and he is probably tired of me. 

At the same time, its hard for me to talk with others because I don't want to be a burden or have anyone feel sorry. Actually at this point, I'm just afraid I'll cry if I start talking about it too much. My ex offered that he was there to listen anytime I needed someone, but no....I just can't. 

God,

You know my heart, my mind, my soul, my future. Please help me stay centered on you throughout everything as hard as it is....when I cry tears of frustration, bring my worries back to you if I start getting frantic... I just want everything in life to move on. Settled in whatever job, meet someone, raise a family, etc. Another thing with thyroid medicine if determined I have the cancer and the thyroid is removed are the fertility concerns. Its possible, but with much precaution and monitoring. Father, why does something that means so much to me have to be risky now. I know nothing is on my own and everything is you. Difficult things I go through in life are to make me more dependent on you. But why does my thyroid have to be in connection with having kids..why...sigh. 

- J

Only you know...

God,


The devotional today in Our Daily Bread was titled "God's Answers" http://odb.org/

Actually, the past few days devotions have been about being in you and trusting in you. I was going through thoughts and all the "what if" trying to foresee how things will play out and what I need to do to start planning, spinning through all this at 100mph. At the end of the night, I just felt exhausted, sad, worried, frustrated, confused, and I realized I can't do anything right now but have faith in you father. I just don't know what it is I can do next that would help except make phone calls and gather more information. But I also emailed a few friends for recommendations of doctors. I checked my email today and you provided me with an unexpected answer from someone whom I didn't expect at all to to possibly being the solution for me and be able to help me go in the right direction! I'm in awe right now, of your answered prayers and hearing my cry... So thankful and grateful but ashamed whenever I am filled with even the smallest hint of doubt in you. Help me to continue learn and remove any doubt in your power and the power of prayer so I can fully give my life in your hands. Its something so easily said and something I know I should do, but why is it that we always want to hold onto part of the control. I have a day of errands ahead of me....talk to you soon maybe in the car or when I'm eating breakfast/lunch!

- J.A


3/14/11

What God is doing you may not know now,
But someday you’ll understand why;
Questions that taunt you and trouble your mind
Will one day have heaven’s reply. —Hess

What’s better than answers to our why questions?
Trusting a good God who has His reasons.

3/15/11

In Christ we’re rich beyond belief
With wealth the world cannot see;
We have new strength and character,
New righteousness and purity. —Sper

The poorest person is he whose only wealth is money.

3/16/11

Daniel poured out his heart to God (Dan. 9:2). He had read Jeremiah and rediscovered God’s promise that Israel’s captivity in Babylon would last 70 years. So, in an effort to represent his people before God, Daniel fasted and prayed. He pleaded with God not to delay in rescuing His people (v.19).

When we pray, there are things we can know and other things we cannot. For instance, we have the assurance that God will hear our prayer if we know Him as our heavenly Father through faith in Jesus, and we know that His answer will come according to His will. But we don’t know when the answer will come or what it will be.

For Daniel, the answer to his prayer came in miraculous fashion, and it came immediately. While he was praying, the angel Gabriel arrived to provide the answer. But the nature of the answer was as surprising as the quick reply. While Daniel asked God about “70 years,” the answer was about a prophetic “70 weeks of years.” Daniel asked God for an answer about the here and now, but God’s answer had to do with events thousands of years into the future.

Focused as we are with our immediate situation, we may be shocked by God’s answer. Yet we can know that the answer will be for His glory.

I know not by what methods rare,
But this I know—God answers prayer;
I leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own. —Hickok

God’s answers to our prayers may exceed our expectations.

"Like" from Van's facebook

Saw this on Van's wall.




If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will be there.


 Don't bother saving a spot for someone who won't make an 


effort to stay.....




yes! in all types of relationships. I hope I remember this...

Texas Tequila Throwdown

http://bitemehouston.com/?p=431


I wanted to go to this, but friend bailed out earlier.

I should've asked Kelley if she wanted to stop by and check it out after we had din. I don't know why I didn't think of it at the moment. I think it was because she was going out later and I thought time wise it wouldn't work out.

Anyhow, I'm tired of wanting to do things and wondering who to call or who would be interested also. I just want someone to do things with. Tonight quite a few plp from church are at a birthday get together I just wasn't feeling.

Wanted to do the Texas Tequila Throwdown thing. Its a gathering of Tequila companies to compete for the best. They have samples all around. I passed by earlier and saw the Zilla Eats food truck! I've been wanting to try it out too.

Maybe Amber was right to start a meet up group. I need single girls who are just interested in doing fun, interesting, new stuff.

just typing a draft in here.....need to finish later

God is working behind the scenes.

The little things count. It isn't easy to see the light when you are broken or weak.

Hi, my name is Jessica. This past year I presented a monologue during the Vox Human for Sale event and helped with the Vox Beautiful You event which provided an environment for abused teen girls and their mentor to paint on canvas and enjoy food. I partnered with a girl who did not have a mentor. Although I am not very involved in sex trafficking awareness, from my experiences and what God has shown me lately, I've learned that He is always working behind the scenes and the little things we do, count. It isn't easy to see the light for these girls or anyone who falls victim to being broken and weak.

Being like mom

Today was my mom's birthday. Well her drivers license birthday. She has two, the whole Chinese calendar thing. But last year, on her November birth day birthday, she was in the hospital with me. It was 2 days after I got and everything was still crazy. Me throwing up, nauseous, really demanding, and my mom took off work to stay with me that week. Her birthday was really forgotten. I'm so grateful for her. Not just for her, but who she is. I want to reach her level of patience and love for people and Christ someday.

I wanted to take her out to lunch today and told her to choose a place. But she didn't want anything fancy or expensive or far. She wanted something that was just "good enough" and choose a chinese restaurant we always get take out from. I didn't want this, but she did. She just wanted things to be simple. I was frustrated for awhile and not in a really good mood because we or I couldn't decide where to finally go. While sitting in the car, it made me realize if I got that part of simplicity in me from my mom. The want and contentment with non-fancy, non-extravagant things. On one hand, it is good to be humbled and I am. But I do want to indulge and enjoy nice things once in awhile, but its like I don't know how because I've gotten so used to the mentality and lifestyle of simplicity. Then I thought about my birthday this year. I'll be 25. Its usually a big deal for most people. Do I want another year of "just another day"  or do I want something different? I feel like I want something different but still struggle with indulging in that.

Anyways, we finally went to a simple dumpling noodle place and I'm glad it worked out that way. She ran into the chef there whom she taught English to through her church's apartment ministry in Chinatown a couple years ago. I didn't really understand all their exchange in Mandarin, but I could tell he was happy to see my mom and remembered her. I knew my mom made an impact on many of those people she taught because they treated her like a friend, cooked things for her, and remembered her. Back then, my mom got me to help teach English with her for a little while to two high school kids. I remember liking it, but still grumbled about doing it because it took up time on my weeknights.

One day, I want to be able to serve again like that. Teaching English. Whether it is to the Chinese or Hispanic population. My old Sunday School teacher volunteered with Fort Bend Literacy for 20 years. I want to do something like that where I touch and leave an impact on people. I hope I can do this and have someone that can keep me accountable and would be open to doing it also with me. We'll see... I read an article about the point of marriage. I agree that one of the points of marriage is to be able to serve and accomplish something together.

short excerpt :

We hunger for this today: cooperating together, meshing, working like a mountain climbing team, ascending the peak of our dream, and then holding each other at the end of the day. God has planted this hunger deep within every married couple. It's more than a hunger for companionship. It's more than a hunger to create new life. It's a third hunger, a hunger to do something significant together. According to God's Word, we were joined to make a difference. We were married for a mission.


http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/24806-whats-the-point-of-marriage