up, down, up, up, down,...and on and on...

 Hi Chim, I have to ask. Who are you? hardly anyone comments on my blog since not many people know about it. But since u did, just wondering! :)


This past week, the topic of prayer has resurfaced more times than I imagined! Last week, I finally began reading my copy of Too Busy Not To Pray. Then Mondays small group was a study in Ephesians on prayer. Today, the Thurs small group also studied prayer. In the Access (my church) newsletter, it said the last part of the message series this Sunday will be on prayer.

What is going on?? coincidence not... In sg today, someone shared that sometimes as we pray, the purpose or outcome of prayer is to receive  peace from God rather than praying for specific things that may directly affect the situation or circumstance. Its funny because toward the end of last year, something I took away from sg was similar to this. I don't have the verse in front of me, but I think the idea behind it in my notes was something along the lines of this. Sometimes you know already know the answers to your prayers. but as you continue to pray and ask for God's will and guidance, you are praying not so much for God's will to be changed, but to come to accept and be at peace with what you already know. I dunno if that makes any sense or is correct. I hope my memory of my take away from that particular sg night isn't too off.

So tonight I was in a semi-positive, confident mood about myself in regards to finally wanting to put the past behind and move forward. I didn't think getting to the point of finally starting to want to let go would be so difficult. I guess the last time I had to face rejection was over 6 years ago. Completely forgot what it felt like to be rejected for a friend or acquaintance of mine. But I'm sure I won't forget now since its pretty much the 4th time. But I had higher expectations for this one. We were held to higher standards which was what should've made all the difference. He really let me down in how things snowballed into what it is now. There must be a sign on my forehead or something that says date my friends. Ok, I'm slipping right now and allowing my bitter side to slightly come out. I've probably already vented about this already...

Then on the way leaving sg, I missed the entrance to I-10 and ended up taking Washington all the way down into Downtown. I forgot that Washington became Franklin. So I ended up taking Franklin all the way down until the feter of 59 behind Minute Maid and cut through the small bumpy streets back to my aunt's house.

Right after I pass 1-10 and Washington, I see the main post office on Franklin and Smith I think in Downtown.... Great. Another nostalgic moment.

Howard and I rode bikes a few times into Downtown. Twice from his house to the post office to mail stuff for his bro. We would ride all the way down Franklin, under 59, through a short underpass tunnel, and back to his house. In driving, I also used to take all the bumpy back roads from my aunt's place to his which was about 8 min.

So I basically took almost all of that same route today going home and recognized places along Franklin from when we rode bikes and cut through some of the same bumpy roads heading to my aunt's.

I don't understand. When I have good moments of clearing my mind of him and those few months, something always seems to spring back up.

I'm working hard on this. Am I being tested or what? I really don't need things that are reminders, but there are so many.

BTW, I do wonder when my blog will not have a mention of him. And that will be the day.....=P But I guess in the meantime, this is my outlet for that/him amongest other stuff in life. Its my therapy so it may be repetitve sometimes. 

what the heck...

If what I'm seeing is correct and history ends up repeating, I'm going to be speechless. Simply speechless.

But you know what, on the the other hand, I kind of want it to end up repeating. (Of course this is only so I'll be proving a bigger point) But if it does, then what will be the course of things?

Please tell me its a joke. I can't exactly tell right now. But even if it is, somehow I can easily see the joke become reality.

What are YOU doing?!?!

wishing I can make everything ok for everyone

Why do I feel like its my job, responsibility, burden, whatever you choose to label it, to make everything ok.

What will be considered ok anyways? Once it is ok, does the cycle just repeat itself? Even if it is ok, things still have to be maintained. So technically, it is never ok because that job/responsibility/burden will still fall on someone to keep things..ok.

I'm probably not making sense to most people. This is written out of the moment in reaction to a conversation that just took place with my brother. I'm sitting on the toilet with the seat down and my laptop. Just had to leave the room, couldn't sit there next to him and cry. blah.

I hate being back at square one with everything. Its just like the first half of last year. The same worries, headaches, and heartaches. He breaks me and makes me to depend on Him. He brought me through it and provided in more ways than one. He will again, I know it. It's just hard in the mean time because I don't know when and how...

Lord,

Help me not be bitter over past circumstances and people who've played a role in things leading up to this point. Show me my role and what I need to continue doing or not doing. Open doors for me so I can do things that are not for myself but to try and help make things ok for others.

Please hear me..
J.