I'm trying to update my other blog on wordpress after last touching it a little before Thanksgiving. So much progress and so much more to be thankful for since then. I'm looking through my camera for pictures to upload...going through the car ones...
Its weird. Its crazy. Its only been a little over a month and a half since the accident. Its felt like a life time and its felt just like yesterday. Looking at the pictures right now just make me tear up with emotions streaming through in an odd unexplainable way.
There are just some moments and things I can't seem to pour out on that blog. For fear of what people will think? or that I'm just listing complaint after complaint and not being thankful enough? I don't want to be felt sorry for? I don't really know what it is...maybe i'm just afraid to let people in my struggles with me...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
almost there pls?
I thinking about how good God is, how he works...how he makes us wait..how he has a plan. A plan which I do not know and long to know so bad, but my only job is to trust him and live to glorify him.
Its so close right now, seems within my grasp but I know not to let up and stop trusting. I need to keep the faith until the very end and more.
I've been re-reading and pondering the section in my book by Bill Hybels, Too Busy Not to Pray.
This section mentions the point that:
If the request is wrong, God says No.
If the timing is wrong, God says Slow.
If you are wrong, God says Grow.
But if the request is right, the timing is right, and you are right, God says Go!
Also what is said in there about praying for something and changing from praying for the thing because of course God already knows it! to focusing on his greatness, his abilities, appreciation, faithfulness...
I got a call from the math specialist just now after a follow up I sent 10 min. prior. She said she has been meaning to call as things are busy. I know Sherry has talked to her about me, and they know and liked me from the interview. I am so grateful God, that all these things were in place for where things are now, even though it hasn't been easy to understand along the way.
I was really confused, frustrated, going in all directions....
It hasn't been easy to try to get things back in check and not allow this huge uncertainty to affect relationships with my friends, plp...and mainly wanting to withdraw from everyone and everything...falling into depression I suppose. I know I'm still struggling to not give in and try to live life normally as before all these stressors. But I feel it at the same time that I've let go to something that has allowed me to go about without that intense worrying that I had before. Not that I don't still worry, but its better than before. I don't know how to explain it...
I don't think I can even pinpoint an exact moment. I guess my faith and trust in him truly became more of it and not just me wanting and knowing I need to.
I know you have the greatest plan for me and will show me why I had to wait.
I'm scared that I'll go through the same thing of anxiousness and struggling to trust when it does come time for the relationship you have in mind for me. But just please guide me along the way. If I stray, put me back in check. Take away or give me the right feelings at the right time. Same for the other person. Prepare both our hearts, minds, situations, growth in you so we can eventually live this life together for you...
Its so close right now, seems within my grasp but I know not to let up and stop trusting. I need to keep the faith until the very end and more.
I've been re-reading and pondering the section in my book by Bill Hybels, Too Busy Not to Pray.
This section mentions the point that:
If the request is wrong, God says No.
If the timing is wrong, God says Slow.
If you are wrong, God says Grow.
But if the request is right, the timing is right, and you are right, God says Go!
Also what is said in there about praying for something and changing from praying for the thing because of course God already knows it! to focusing on his greatness, his abilities, appreciation, faithfulness...
I got a call from the math specialist just now after a follow up I sent 10 min. prior. She said she has been meaning to call as things are busy. I know Sherry has talked to her about me, and they know and liked me from the interview. I am so grateful God, that all these things were in place for where things are now, even though it hasn't been easy to understand along the way.
I was really confused, frustrated, going in all directions....
It hasn't been easy to try to get things back in check and not allow this huge uncertainty to affect relationships with my friends, plp...and mainly wanting to withdraw from everyone and everything...falling into depression I suppose. I know I'm still struggling to not give in and try to live life normally as before all these stressors. But I feel it at the same time that I've let go to something that has allowed me to go about without that intense worrying that I had before. Not that I don't still worry, but its better than before. I don't know how to explain it...
I don't think I can even pinpoint an exact moment. I guess my faith and trust in him truly became more of it and not just me wanting and knowing I need to.
I know you have the greatest plan for me and will show me why I had to wait.
I'm scared that I'll go through the same thing of anxiousness and struggling to trust when it does come time for the relationship you have in mind for me. But just please guide me along the way. If I stray, put me back in check. Take away or give me the right feelings at the right time. Same for the other person. Prepare both our hearts, minds, situations, growth in you so we can eventually live this life together for you...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
hit and run (another first, in life and in 2010)
(the email I sent out) I just want to cry...so frustrated about everything, but I know I need to hold on...
hi guys,
I just need to share/vent since this just happened not too long ago. So hope you don't mind reading or praying for me real quick. thanks in advance!
I was heading home from small group tonight, driving in the most normal circumstances, and got hit for the first time ever. And it had to be a hit and run. I'm ok physically, shaken up, but mostly frustrated at myself and just everything in general. I could care less if I were hit, but that is...in my own car and by someone with insurance, I never expected a hit and run.
I was driving my brothers car too! I know he loves his car even though its not the newest or in the best condition and I know he tells me, "its ok, its only a car" because its me. He would flip if this were my dad. I feel so horrible even though it wasn't my fault at all.
I am so upset at myself for not getting a chance to get the plates. For not realizing quick enough that they weren't going to pull over and planned to hit and run. For not shifting fast enough and up to speed to catch up with them.
I was on Westheimer turning left onto Wilcrest at the green turn only light with no one was behind me. I turned into the left lane on Wilcrest and I'm the only one on the road among both lanes. About 5 seconds later, someones front right hits into my drivers side door. They excited the Randalls parking lot and crossed over into the space between two medians and ran into me. It was like they were planning to turn directly into my lane, they weren't even trying to stop at the median.. They came out of nowhere on my left, I was looking straight ahead and all of a sudden, the impact. I was pushed over to the right lane, then I think I shifted lower since the impact slowed me down...pressed emergency lights, noticed they weren't trying to pull over and began to panic! Tried to shift and get back up to speed asap but as I was nearing the Richmond Wilcrest light, I was going too fast to break, shift, and turn right smoothly without spinning so I ended up spinning onto the median a little while trying to turn. Good thing the light barely changed to green for opposing traffic as I was backing off the median. But by the time I got back onto Richmond, I mostly lost them and wasn't sure if they went straight or turned...I ended up turning but I should've just went straight...sigh. The drivers door is messed up but closable and the auto lock is jamming.
Theres nothing that can be done, so I feel helpless. I just don't understand anything anymore. I know this happens to plp all the time and even some of you guys, multiple times..
Pray that I learn the strength to get through it like you did if you've gone through frustrating car stuff. To not blame myself on the what ifs I could've done. Is this something God is using to shake me up even more and rely on him? Does he really have to do that? I already don't have much else but to rely on him anyways. Or is this something Satan is using to throw me off track, keep me down, blame God..? I'm just so confused. I don't even want to bother rationalizing or analyzing anything anymore. Things are just they way they are and I have to work with it.
thanks for reading,
jessica
hi guys,
I just need to share/vent since this just happened not too long ago. So hope you don't mind reading or praying for me real quick. thanks in advance!
I was heading home from small group tonight, driving in the most normal circumstances, and got hit for the first time ever. And it had to be a hit and run. I'm ok physically, shaken up, but mostly frustrated at myself and just everything in general. I could care less if I were hit, but that is...in my own car and by someone with insurance, I never expected a hit and run.
I was driving my brothers car too! I know he loves his car even though its not the newest or in the best condition and I know he tells me, "its ok, its only a car" because its me. He would flip if this were my dad. I feel so horrible even though it wasn't my fault at all.
I am so upset at myself for not getting a chance to get the plates. For not realizing quick enough that they weren't going to pull over and planned to hit and run. For not shifting fast enough and up to speed to catch up with them.
I was on Westheimer turning left onto Wilcrest at the green turn only light with no one was behind me. I turned into the left lane on Wilcrest and I'm the only one on the road among both lanes. About 5 seconds later, someones front right hits into my drivers side door. They excited the Randalls parking lot and crossed over into the space between two medians and ran into me. It was like they were planning to turn directly into my lane, they weren't even trying to stop at the median.. They came out of nowhere on my left, I was looking straight ahead and all of a sudden, the impact. I was pushed over to the right lane, then I think I shifted lower since the impact slowed me down...pressed emergency lights, noticed they weren't trying to pull over and began to panic! Tried to shift and get back up to speed asap but as I was nearing the Richmond Wilcrest light, I was going too fast to break, shift, and turn right smoothly without spinning so I ended up spinning onto the median a little while trying to turn. Good thing the light barely changed to green for opposing traffic as I was backing off the median. But by the time I got back onto Richmond, I mostly lost them and wasn't sure if they went straight or turned...I ended up turning but I should've just went straight...sigh. The drivers door is messed up but closable and the auto lock is jamming.
Theres nothing that can be done, so I feel helpless. I just don't understand anything anymore. I know this happens to plp all the time and even some of you guys, multiple times..
Pray that I learn the strength to get through it like you did if you've gone through frustrating car stuff. To not blame myself on the what ifs I could've done. Is this something God is using to shake me up even more and rely on him? Does he really have to do that? I already don't have much else but to rely on him anyways. Or is this something Satan is using to throw me off track, keep me down, blame God..? I'm just so confused. I don't even want to bother rationalizing or analyzing anything anymore. Things are just they way they are and I have to work with it.
thanks for reading,
jessica
Saturday, July 31, 2010
status quotes from FB (miguel)
I may have seen these before, but as it goes with everything seeing something repeatedly you already know is an instant reminder...
- If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you then you know
my question ( don't you have to fight for things sometimes? so when do you know to fight or let it go...) faith, trust that its in God's hands I suppose...? or ..?
- Don't put someone as a priority when they only see you as an option
(no comments)
- "The struggles make me stronger, and the changes make me wise, and happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time."
(agreed)
P.S. world,
Its official! I'm going to teach 6th grade math starting Monday. Well training and teacher inservice starts. School starts the 16th.
its crazy. long story, long summer....things still aren't over. longer update later...
- If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you then you know
my question ( don't you have to fight for things sometimes? so when do you know to fight or let it go...) faith, trust that its in God's hands I suppose...? or ..?
- Don't put someone as a priority when they only see you as an option
(no comments)
- "The struggles make me stronger, and the changes make me wise, and happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time."
(agreed)
P.S. world,
Its official! I'm going to teach 6th grade math starting Monday. Well training and teacher inservice starts. School starts the 16th.
its crazy. long story, long summer....things still aren't over. longer update later...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
i need to vent
I come across new leads every now and then. They are good except I hate altering the cover letter for each one.
I finally applied to HISD 2 days ago. The one I was stubborn with since the beginning. The one I had an early special round of interview I could've gone to and know I would've made it through, probably with a m.s. math job by now.
Anyways, I'm tired. I haven't once thought of giving up yet, since I really can't. But I'm starting to feel discouraged. Just not knowing where that place is for me. Every new lead I think sounds good, I can see myself in it. What are my plans supposed to be?!?! Where do I belong? I just feel plain lost.
off to do another one.
I finally applied to HISD 2 days ago. The one I was stubborn with since the beginning. The one I had an early special round of interview I could've gone to and know I would've made it through, probably with a m.s. math job by now.
Anyways, I'm tired. I haven't once thought of giving up yet, since I really can't. But I'm starting to feel discouraged. Just not knowing where that place is for me. Every new lead I think sounds good, I can see myself in it. What are my plans supposed to be?!?! Where do I belong? I just feel plain lost.
off to do another one.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
summer days...drifting away...
I can't wait to not look at another cover letter again for awhile.
I find new ones to submit, but why is it so hard to stay focused and repeat the process after one is sent out.
I've been reading weddingbee lately and I recognize bloggers from 2 yrs ago (what does this say about me? i don't really know. Just pointing the fact out.)
I turn to other things when I want to avoid. Avoid = Things on my to-do list, people, my emotions, and the situation.
I want to look back one day and wonder how I got through this summer and how I am getting through each day right now. But I already know the answer, only You.
I have long over due pictures from last summer I need to upload on facebook or some picture hosting site.
I must submit one more before I sleep. Its 2:40. But its ok, I wake up at noon.
I want to cry sometimes. But it won't come out.
I find new ones to submit, but why is it so hard to stay focused and repeat the process after one is sent out.
I've been reading weddingbee lately and I recognize bloggers from 2 yrs ago (what does this say about me? i don't really know. Just pointing the fact out.)
I turn to other things when I want to avoid. Avoid = Things on my to-do list, people, my emotions, and the situation.
I want to look back one day and wonder how I got through this summer and how I am getting through each day right now. But I already know the answer, only You.
I have long over due pictures from last summer I need to upload on facebook or some picture hosting site.
I must submit one more before I sleep. Its 2:40. But its ok, I wake up at noon.
I want to cry sometimes. But it won't come out.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
what will it be like?
what will tomorrow be like?
monday?
next week? 2 weeks? next month on aug 5th?
where will I be, what will I be doing....
1, 3...
5 yrs?
Im waiting.
monday?
next week? 2 weeks? next month on aug 5th?
where will I be, what will I be doing....
1, 3...
5 yrs?
Im waiting.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Praise
I was thinking of how to start this entry, wanting to do a quick blog for it being the night before 1 of 2 interviews this week. Praise was the immediate thing that came to mind.
How do I begin giving Him praise and expressing my feelings towards Him...how do I describe how great He is, how He provides and works..
for some reason out of nowhere this line sang through my head. "You are beautiful beyond description...."
(everything above ran through my mind in about 30 seconds...)
From an old worship song I don't hear as much of lately.
The lyrics are even more WOW as I am reading them over again. There isn't a more perfect song or words to describe who He is and how I feel about Him right now....
it really is weird how that line just popped into my head. I wasn't even thinking along the lines of songs or much less anything when I was trying to think of how to start expressing my awe for Him and what He has provided in this short time...
"You Are Beautiful Beyond Description"
You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above
And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You
You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above
And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You
Yes, I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
How do I begin giving Him praise and expressing my feelings towards Him...how do I describe how great He is, how He provides and works..
for some reason out of nowhere this line sang through my head. "You are beautiful beyond description...."
(everything above ran through my mind in about 30 seconds...)
From an old worship song I don't hear as much of lately.
The lyrics are even more WOW as I am reading them over again. There isn't a more perfect song or words to describe who He is and how I feel about Him right now....
it really is weird how that line just popped into my head. I wasn't even thinking along the lines of songs or much less anything when I was trying to think of how to start expressing my awe for Him and what He has provided in this short time...
"You Are Beautiful Beyond Description"
You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above
And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You
You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above
And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You
Yes, I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
too good at hiding
My dad asked my brother last week what our credit lines were for our credit cards. I didn't let him finish talking beyond that partly because I was busy about to do a live info session for my Connections Academy thing and I knew what was coming and didn't want to face it...
Since then, I've still been trying to block out what lays ahead and presenting that fear to God....
I just don't know what to do or what will happen!! There are so many deadlines in these next few months. I really don't know how they are going to be taken care of...But I feel like its on me to make it happen.
I know its impossible for me to do it. So please Father, make it ok...bearable at least.
* Just finished my online/phone interview with the school...waiting on news going forward for both that and the oil and gas company around the end of this week...
Since then, I've still been trying to block out what lays ahead and presenting that fear to God....
I just don't know what to do or what will happen!! There are so many deadlines in these next few months. I really don't know how they are going to be taken care of...But I feel like its on me to make it happen.
I know its impossible for me to do it. So please Father, make it ok...bearable at least.
* Just finished my online/phone interview with the school...waiting on news going forward for both that and the oil and gas company around the end of this week...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
nothing left but PRAYER
Father,
Only You know the plans which are greater than ours. You are so patient with me even when I want to jump ahead in so many instances. When I make mistakes because I end up taking control and relying on myself. You wait for me to come back to you with open arms and showed me last summer that you would provide. Is this opportunity something you are presenting to me and providing right now, this year? It really sounds too good to be true! But You do the impossible, you open doors, is this my door?? So many positions along the way outside of Education I have wanted so far. From different things within the real estate industry, to accounting, to engineering. But everything seems bleak because I don't have Accounting as my B.S. anymore.... So how is it that a door can open for me in the Business/Engineering world with my Education degree. AND this entry level opportunity is specifically requesting someone from an education background because teachers have been successful hires! They have excellent training and lots of room for advancement. Really?!? I have an interest in real estate as well. But of course You already know my interest for the Oil and Gas industry is greater..Thanks to somehow all 4 of my clients during my internship falling in that industry! Was this seed meant to be planted?? I know I will be disappointed if those 2 positions have already been filled since its been just about 2 wks since it was first requested. But I know I need to place my trust in you Father. Whether it is for these positions to still be open, being able to pass that competency test that 6 plp have failed so far for the position, or whether I am meant to teach instead right now....
It seems like this is soo meant to be. My GPA falls right over their requirement and how crazy is it that they are requesting an education background person?! I know that the work I do will be the best, they will be pleased they hired me. I'm not trying to be over confident, but I am excited because I know I will do, learn, and approach this already with a passion.
Help me approach all of this with an attitude of openness and readiness to work my hardest whichever field has that open door. I've thought so many times that a certain thing is what I want. Please align what I want to be what You want instead, in Your time.
<3
me
Only You know the plans which are greater than ours. You are so patient with me even when I want to jump ahead in so many instances. When I make mistakes because I end up taking control and relying on myself. You wait for me to come back to you with open arms and showed me last summer that you would provide. Is this opportunity something you are presenting to me and providing right now, this year? It really sounds too good to be true! But You do the impossible, you open doors, is this my door?? So many positions along the way outside of Education I have wanted so far. From different things within the real estate industry, to accounting, to engineering. But everything seems bleak because I don't have Accounting as my B.S. anymore.... So how is it that a door can open for me in the Business/Engineering world with my Education degree. AND this entry level opportunity is specifically requesting someone from an education background because teachers have been successful hires! They have excellent training and lots of room for advancement. Really?!? I have an interest in real estate as well. But of course You already know my interest for the Oil and Gas industry is greater..Thanks to somehow all 4 of my clients during my internship falling in that industry! Was this seed meant to be planted?? I know I will be disappointed if those 2 positions have already been filled since its been just about 2 wks since it was first requested. But I know I need to place my trust in you Father. Whether it is for these positions to still be open, being able to pass that competency test that 6 plp have failed so far for the position, or whether I am meant to teach instead right now....
It seems like this is soo meant to be. My GPA falls right over their requirement and how crazy is it that they are requesting an education background person?! I know that the work I do will be the best, they will be pleased they hired me. I'm not trying to be over confident, but I am excited because I know I will do, learn, and approach this already with a passion.
Help me approach all of this with an attitude of openness and readiness to work my hardest whichever field has that open door. I've thought so many times that a certain thing is what I want. Please align what I want to be what You want instead, in Your time.
<3
me
Friday, June 11, 2010
so fickle
I am so fickle...
Saw some positions open up again for a campus I initially applied to. Pretty sure some strings can be pulled to get me an interview along with me doing my part. I think I'm afraid to actually get it as weird as it sounds. But of course I don't want to be over confidant. I just feel like I better know for sure I want to accept it if I get offered since strings were pulled for me to get a foot in the door in the first place.
anyways....who knows what I'll be writing about tomorrow
Really glad I finally went to the women's sg tonight. Beth Moore on DVD over Esther..... fear, faith, courage, choices......
Saw some positions open up again for a campus I initially applied to. Pretty sure some strings can be pulled to get me an interview along with me doing my part. I think I'm afraid to actually get it as weird as it sounds. But of course I don't want to be over confidant. I just feel like I better know for sure I want to accept it if I get offered since strings were pulled for me to get a foot in the door in the first place.
anyways....who knows what I'll be writing about tomorrow
Really glad I finally went to the women's sg tonight. Beth Moore on DVD over Esther..... fear, faith, courage, choices......
Thursday, June 10, 2010
this has to be IT. I hope it, I pray it.....
http://www.connectionsacademy.com/texas-houston-school/home.aspx
Came across this today. I am so excited reading the job descriptions and responsibilities! It is the something different, something in between my past business experiences and current education field..
Can't wait to apply and get in touch with the recruiter!!
Only You control which doors open and close, please let this be the open one....
Came across this today. I am so excited reading the job descriptions and responsibilities! It is the something different, something in between my past business experiences and current education field..
Can't wait to apply and get in touch with the recruiter!!
Only You control which doors open and close, please let this be the open one....
Monday, May 17, 2010
in a nutshell since the post I started on before got deleted when the browser closed :(
* section headings in Mark 4-5. yesterday at the gym after I worked out and flipping through my Bible trying to find that one verse that inspires, gives me direction, find what He wants to tell me.
Jesus Raises a Dead Girl and Heals a Sick Woman. Jesus Restores a Demon-Possessed Man. Jesus Calms the Storm. - He is all powerful, He works miracles, He does the impossible.
After seeing that, made me realize that He is able.
* Today in church, the worship song lyrics that was I needed as reminders. Although I can't remember now SIGH. Of course not because they weren't important, my horrible memory...and its been a long day.
* My mom gave me a gift from Auntie Mina for graduation. It was a frame that said Journey and Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. This is one of my favorite verses to remember and keep me grounded.
* I opened Christine's gift as I got to the gym today. The tag on the bag said Believe. The gift was a decorative all hanging that said Believe.
* Checked email when I got home. Email from Christine. I missed communion and didn't know what went on in service since I had kids duty today, but apparently He had a message in the song He didn't want me to miss. Am I just making this up God? Or really...really? Christine sending me this is meant to be? The chorus looks a little familiar, I thought maybe we sang this before they released the kids and I had to go, I'm listening to it now...yess we did sing it....I don't think all the lyrics stood out to me when I read through it all at once through her email.
* section headings in Mark 4-5. yesterday at the gym after I worked out and flipping through my Bible trying to find that one verse that inspires, gives me direction, find what He wants to tell me.
Jesus Raises a Dead Girl and Heals a Sick Woman. Jesus Restores a Demon-Possessed Man. Jesus Calms the Storm. - He is all powerful, He works miracles, He does the impossible.
After seeing that, made me realize that He is able.
* Today in church, the worship song lyrics that was I needed as reminders. Although I can't remember now SIGH. Of course not because they weren't important, my horrible memory...and its been a long day.
* My mom gave me a gift from Auntie Mina for graduation. It was a frame that said Journey and Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. This is one of my favorite verses to remember and keep me grounded.
* I opened Christine's gift as I got to the gym today. The tag on the bag said Believe. The gift was a decorative all hanging that said Believe.
* At the gym, I was on the elliptical and Jeopardy was on. The final question was over 19th century presidents. The question was something like, In his letter of acceptance to the GOP party, which President conclued with "Let us have Peace," which became his campaign slogan. - The answer was Ulysses Grant.
When I saw this, "Let us have Peace" was what stood out to me. I still don't know sometimes if I try to read too much into things, or think they are coincidences, but Father, help me see that you are too great for coincidences and you know and you put things in my path to speak to me and confirm for me. I think I'm always afraid that I am wrong in trying to understand when and if God is telling me something. In this instance, I felt like He was saying, peace. Have peace about everything. It will be ok. Surprisingly, as I mentioned the job to several plp and my conflictions behind it, I think I kind of slowly made up my mind along the way. I know I need to trust Him and do my part to use my time and treat looking for a job as a full time job. God will provide...
* Checked email when I got home. Email from Christine. I missed communion and didn't know what went on in service since I had kids duty today, but apparently He had a message in the song He didn't want me to miss. Am I just making this up God? Or really...really? Christine sending me this is meant to be? The chorus looks a little familiar, I thought maybe we sang this before they released the kids and I had to go, I'm listening to it now...yess we did sing it....I don't think all the lyrics stood out to me when I read through it all at once through her email.
incredible song played during communion today:
i think it definitely speaks to the transitions and decisions we're experiencing in life at this point--whether its full-time job search, moving away from home decisions, purchasing home decisions, starting careers, switching careers, finding purpose in our work, etc...He is there for us. He knows exactly where He wants us and will be faithful in leading and providing for our every need: physical, emotional + spiritual. i think the song speaks incredible hope and comfort; hope you find encouragement in it as you move through this next week.
"YOUR LOVE IS STRONG" by Jon FOreman
Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one
I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancingInvade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasureWill you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one
I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancingInvade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasureWill you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all namesYour kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
Your love is
Your love is strong
Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all namesYour kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
On another note. Met Christina's cousin and gf today at her grad dinner/party. I liked them both! He is in real estate investing and was telling about some of it and how he got into it. I am so intrigued when I listen to stuff like this and properties fixing up, rental, subleasing, acquire etc... I did ask if they needed extra hire/help, kind of in a joking way but I think he knew I was kind of serious too. I should've reminded him when we said bye that if he ever needs someone extra to do anything, let Christina know to get in touch with me. Later on, I realized maybe I should've asked what the closing process consisted of and what are examples of things he needs to get done by tues for 2 properties he is trying to close on. And maybe even as far as to ask if I could possibly tag along and just listen and watch. He mentioned he started as someone offered to let him tag along and learn observe. I don't know why I didn't think of it at the time, but I wish I offered that. That I am willing to do whatever even grunt work pro-bono since I have time this summer so I can just observe and get a feel for what its like and whether this is something I really want to try to pursue. But at the same time, I didn't want to be too pushy or direct, I just met him. On the other hand, plp need to be those things and show initiative and interest right? So how much is too much or the right time...? ahh oh well the moment passed.
But I'm really praying somehow this initial connection may turn out to hopefully be more. I don't know if Christina can help play a part, or her cousin may even ask about me? How do I go about this God if this is something in your plans for me to pursue. Or if its not, pleasee let me know somehow..I guess closed doors hurt the most but are most blunt. But I really want to learn more and get into this...it has all the communication with different parties to negotiate, make things work, offers, arranging....etc....
i am soo tired. something is wrong with my eyes lately...scared a little, its been going on 2 wks now...
But I'm really praying somehow this initial connection may turn out to hopefully be more. I don't know if Christina can help play a part, or her cousin may even ask about me? How do I go about this God if this is something in your plans for me to pursue. Or if its not, pleasee let me know somehow..I guess closed doors hurt the most but are most blunt. But I really want to learn more and get into this...it has all the communication with different parties to negotiate, make things work, offers, arranging....etc....
i am soo tired. something is wrong with my eyes lately...scared a little, its been going on 2 wks now...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
leaving behind
It's graduation tomorrow. Finally. It's weird. I feel like tomorrow will be like any other day but with a lot jammed in since time is tight.
I shall try to reflect tomorrow night. But job fair is early Sat. morning. So I'll probably be prepping for that.
And life continues through the uncertainty, patiently waiting and trusting you God....
I shall try to reflect tomorrow night. But job fair is early Sat. morning. So I'll probably be prepping for that.
And life continues through the uncertainty, patiently waiting and trusting you God....
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
tired
Got to see the Astros play today in a suite with food, drinks, and a huge sundae. Thanks to Amber and her clients!
I guess today is officially the last day of any type of work I had to complete for college. Unless I go back...
I'm so tired and easily irritable lately. I've been sleeping late, sleeping bad, my eyes keep on getting red.
I feel so lost right now...about everything.
I was at a neighborhood Fiesta earlier today in the 4th Ward area. As we were putting things in the car, I saw a former student from student teaching of mine walk by. He glanced back about twice before I recognized him and he kind of nodded his head wassup....I wanted to say hi and stop him, see how he was doing where he had been. He wasn't in class for awhile before my student teaching was over. But by the time I could process everything, he turned the corner and left....
It felt weird seeing him. I wanted to say hi so bad but the moment passed so quickly. It felt like I let a lost kid slip through my fingers. Someone who may possibly end up lost in the system in the near future. Come to find out, he was sent to an alternative school for the rest of the year for smoking weed in the restroom. Sigh. I think they were testing that day and I was in another room so somehow I was out of the loop about this until now.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
needing You most so I don't crumble
I've been stuck in a weird slump lately. I hate that my mood regulates how approachable and open I am to people. For instance, today there were lots of new people at church. Normally, I would've been excited, wanting to chat and meet them. Inside, I wanted to do that but my overall blah mood kept me grounded in my chair. I knew if I got up and started talking, I wouldn't be doing it in the same enthusiastic way I normally feel. I would be doing it with a front put on. Not a front for pretending to enjoy chatting, I do! But its more of a front that I am ok and happy and giddy....
RANDOM RECOLLECTION
- Friday went bowling with Manson, Sandy, and his friends. Didn't bowl but had a good time meeting his friends. Good group of people. But all of that also made me think back to what he mentioned once about finding and needing that group of people to hang out with. Made me realize again that I've still never really had that. I've been ok going along all these years with people I'm closer with at diff points and events or happenings that take place each week which fills my time. But as far as a consistent group of friends who hang out together, not so much. At one time, it might've been more Intervarsity plp, but not even since I didn't live on campus and it was hard to be a part of those that did and got the chance to spend time together leisurely outside of IV stuff.
Then for a little while last year I felt like I got to know everyone from Thurs small group better through Howard. Those friendships still last, but I know he was the glue to a lot of the group hanging out. I guess lately I've been feeling like I'm back at the beg. and middle of last year. Getting to know plp, forming relationships, and trying to find that place or group to fit in. I thought I had plp I could go to or call randomly to hang out, which I do but its more of an individual basis rather than group. But at the same time, I guess I'm referring to one stable person as well. A best friend, when you don't have that group who is free or along with the group would be best.
I've been getting by with just going week by week as events and things take place, but I think deep down I want and need that group of smaller more consistent plp also. I understand what Manson had originally said about that now.
- I ran into a glass door for the first time in my life at the bowling ally. This was before I had any drinks, hence not alcohol related. My nose still feels bruised!
- Watched Fireproof and Father of the Bride 1 and 2 yesterday and today. Too much wedding, marriage, love, stuff for me to handle right now
- Matt Hammon's take away from church this morning. Living an artful life is to trust in God and give yourself into the mysteries of Him and the life He has planned for you.
- I walked out of my seat this morning after the greeting part and went into the restroom. I wanted to leave so bad and drive across town to try FBCC, go home, or a park just to read my Bible myself thinking I can get the Word elsewhere. I need something to speak to me. Prayed in the restroom to give me the courage not to leave and listen. To fight the attitude I had at the moment. I stayed and got Matt Hammon's takeaway.
- Eating and not working out has been bad the past 3 days or so. I'm really not understanding my body and cravings right now. My cravings have totally expanded to include everything. Even things I never really cared for before like chocolate, sweets, cakes, pastries, and chips. Its like my junk food switch and sweets turned on out of no where. In the last half year, I've also taken an increased liking to bananas and oatmeal. I can eat them both everyday. I have an addiction to buying cereal lately. Maybe the past 3 months? Using my coupons and buying them on sale. We had 9 boxes I think? at my house at one point recently. I didn't buy all 9, we had a few there already, but still.
My doctors appointment to find out my ultrasound results for my throat is this Thursday..... I don't think I can handle any disappointing news. At the same time, I don't know what would be good news. It will stress me out either way...
- 2 bridal shower/bachelorette things this Sat.
- John Waller - I am Waiting ( the words really hit home)
- My Dear G.B. letters are scattered everywhere, I need to get them organized in one place.
Which has been seldom to none these past few weeks. I really wish I can be someone who is able to put aside everything and still be optimistic with a smile on my face. I don't want to wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I also don't want to come off as someone with my head held too high or oblivious to everyone around me. Sandy and I were talking a little about that topic on Friday. I don't think I come off as pretentious or too good for people, but I know I often feel I am oblivious to others around me when I have too much on my mind or when I am in one of those blah moods...So I really hope I don't come off as too good for anyone when I am in one of those moods. Its one of my goals to really watch that..
Lots of things have been running through my mind and I haven't been putting it down here so this will be another long post! Maybe I haven't been using my blog as a therapeutic outlet enough either and trying to keep it all in...
2 song lyrics that have touched me these past 2 days in the post below.
John Waller - While I'm Waiting ( I watched Fireproof last night)
Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home
RANDOM RECOLLECTION
- Friday went bowling with Manson, Sandy, and his friends. Didn't bowl but had a good time meeting his friends. Good group of people. But all of that also made me think back to what he mentioned once about finding and needing that group of people to hang out with. Made me realize again that I've still never really had that. I've been ok going along all these years with people I'm closer with at diff points and events or happenings that take place each week which fills my time. But as far as a consistent group of friends who hang out together, not so much. At one time, it might've been more Intervarsity plp, but not even since I didn't live on campus and it was hard to be a part of those that did and got the chance to spend time together leisurely outside of IV stuff.
Then for a little while last year I felt like I got to know everyone from Thurs small group better through Howard. Those friendships still last, but I know he was the glue to a lot of the group hanging out. I guess lately I've been feeling like I'm back at the beg. and middle of last year. Getting to know plp, forming relationships, and trying to find that place or group to fit in. I thought I had plp I could go to or call randomly to hang out, which I do but its more of an individual basis rather than group. But at the same time, I guess I'm referring to one stable person as well. A best friend, when you don't have that group who is free or along with the group would be best.
I've been getting by with just going week by week as events and things take place, but I think deep down I want and need that group of smaller more consistent plp also. I understand what Manson had originally said about that now.
- I ran into a glass door for the first time in my life at the bowling ally. This was before I had any drinks, hence not alcohol related. My nose still feels bruised!
- Watched Fireproof and Father of the Bride 1 and 2 yesterday and today. Too much wedding, marriage, love, stuff for me to handle right now
- Matt Hammon's take away from church this morning. Living an artful life is to trust in God and give yourself into the mysteries of Him and the life He has planned for you.
- I walked out of my seat this morning after the greeting part and went into the restroom. I wanted to leave so bad and drive across town to try FBCC, go home, or a park just to read my Bible myself thinking I can get the Word elsewhere. I need something to speak to me. Prayed in the restroom to give me the courage not to leave and listen. To fight the attitude I had at the moment. I stayed and got Matt Hammon's takeaway.
- Eating and not working out has been bad the past 3 days or so. I'm really not understanding my body and cravings right now. My cravings have totally expanded to include everything. Even things I never really cared for before like chocolate, sweets, cakes, pastries, and chips. Its like my junk food switch and sweets turned on out of no where. In the last half year, I've also taken an increased liking to bananas and oatmeal. I can eat them both everyday. I have an addiction to buying cereal lately. Maybe the past 3 months? Using my coupons and buying them on sale. We had 9 boxes I think? at my house at one point recently. I didn't buy all 9, we had a few there already, but still.
My doctors appointment to find out my ultrasound results for my throat is this Thursday..... I don't think I can handle any disappointing news. At the same time, I don't know what would be good news. It will stress me out either way...
- 2 bridal shower/bachelorette things this Sat.
- John Waller - I am Waiting ( the words really hit home)
- My Dear G.B. letters are scattered everywhere, I need to get them organized in one place.
songs of my heart
John Waller - I'm Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
"I'm not afraid because this is my temporary home" yes...
Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home
Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone
Another new mom and dad,another school
Another house that'll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."
Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out
Because a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we'll find a place here in this world
"This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."
Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
He looks up and says "I can see God's face."
"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This was just a stop,on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home."
This is our temporary home
Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home
Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone
Another new mom and dad,another school
Another house that'll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."
Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out
Because a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we'll find a place here in this world
"This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."
Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
He looks up and says "I can see God's face."
"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This was just a stop,on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home."
This is our temporary home
Friday, April 2, 2010
just not who I want to be
I gave in earlier and phoned an old friend. I guess you can call it that. We talked about an hour, it went well. I thought it would give me some kind of comfort I guess. But it ended and then I felt just the same before the phone call. Even though it went well, I don't know what I expected from it after all this time. For things to pick back up again? Not really I suppose, but it felt weird to end the call also knowing or not knowing who knows when again we would talk. The randomness of it all...the comfort it did give in that hour and how easy it was to talk even though its been quite awhile.
That was my attempt at an escape for a bit. Reality is back. Nothing changed. I'm just even moodier now and the microwave door just got slammed.
That was my attempt at an escape for a bit. Reality is back. Nothing changed. I'm just even moodier now and the microwave door just got slammed.
Monday, March 22, 2010
what I hold onto
Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.Luke 10:27 (New International Version)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
an old guilty pleasure
Yesterday I found myself landing on the weddingbee website. I hadn't visited this site in quite awhile now. Meaning, at least a year? There was a time when I was on weddingbee.com as religiously as xanga in its glory days. I know, it was a horrible habit which I am glad to say was broken over time.
I got to the site yesterday but become distracted in conversation and didn't actually browse through it. I guess I'm writing an entry right now because I just caved in and gave myself over to the world of DIY projects galore, centerpieces, dresses, hairpieces, veil, gift registry, getting in shape for the big day tips, etc, etc...
I think the memory of wedding bee came back to me when Manson asked if I was the kind of girl who has her wedding all planned out. My answer was not really....I've thought about different aspects of it, but I don't want to get myself too worked up or excited over something that may still be awhile off. I know myself and if I let myself dwell over and do too much oooing and ahhing over wedding stuff, its going to suck me in, in an unhealthy way. From what I remember when I used to read wedding bee pretty often, it was like a fantasy I was chasing. I want this and I want that for myself. Not that I still don't. But in wanting all those things and jumping ahead and thinking about it too much left little room for me to trust God with the most important thing among it all. That he will provide someone when the time is right and let me know when I can start getting excited =P I guess in answering Manson, I forgot that I was a little wedding crazed at one point through weddingbee.com. But for some reason since then, wedding bee and all that in general has been popping up in my mind every once in awhile lately.
I also found out yesterday that an old friend and ex bf of mine from hs just proposed to his gf. He is two years older than I and probably the person who I am on the best terms with as far as past bfs. I was really happy for him when I found out since this was something that I along with others have been predicting! But because of the news yesterday, it made me think of weddingbee again and go to it.
Its so easy to get wrapped up in that type of excitement. But I think now more than ever, God is saying take it slow. I feel like God has told me before to take it slow in other situations and relationships, like with H. But for whatever reasons, it usually moved faster than it probably should've. In the past, I know I haven't done a very good job at being patient, listening, and trusting. I usually think I can handle things on my own and be in control. Of course, I am still continuing to learn and do these things. Despite all the anxiousness that comes with taking things slow, maybe this time He is providing exactly what I need to help me really learn what slow means and is. Usually the other person is in a rush to jump into it also. This time it doesn't seem like it, which can be confusing at times. But hopefully something good will come out from it? Its hard to take things with a grain of salt but at the same time keep a balance in this friendship...
trust.
on another quick note. Quick recap past weekend. Rented a car drove to Austin to hang out w/Tiffany finally. Got my first speeding ticket ever on the way up there :( Watched Manson's volleyball game. Tried to squeeze behind the bleachers where we were sitting to get his mom's jacket which fell back there. My body fit in that gap, but I couldn't inch down far enough to grab the jacket with my foot. It felt like I couldn't slide down further because of my rear end. I know for a fact if I didn't gain the 8 pounds, I would've fit in that gap much easier. Sigh... oh well...and we ate out every single day. Stayed up chatting w/tiff until 5am, woke up late and incurred more unnecessary expenses since the car will be returned a day late. Lessons learned this weekend..
.
I got to the site yesterday but become distracted in conversation and didn't actually browse through it. I guess I'm writing an entry right now because I just caved in and gave myself over to the world of DIY projects galore, centerpieces, dresses, hairpieces, veil, gift registry, getting in shape for the big day tips, etc, etc...
I think the memory of wedding bee came back to me when Manson asked if I was the kind of girl who has her wedding all planned out. My answer was not really....I've thought about different aspects of it, but I don't want to get myself too worked up or excited over something that may still be awhile off. I know myself and if I let myself dwell over and do too much oooing and ahhing over wedding stuff, its going to suck me in, in an unhealthy way. From what I remember when I used to read wedding bee pretty often, it was like a fantasy I was chasing. I want this and I want that for myself. Not that I still don't. But in wanting all those things and jumping ahead and thinking about it too much left little room for me to trust God with the most important thing among it all. That he will provide someone when the time is right and let me know when I can start getting excited =P I guess in answering Manson, I forgot that I was a little wedding crazed at one point through weddingbee.com. But for some reason since then, wedding bee and all that in general has been popping up in my mind every once in awhile lately.
I also found out yesterday that an old friend and ex bf of mine from hs just proposed to his gf. He is two years older than I and probably the person who I am on the best terms with as far as past bfs. I was really happy for him when I found out since this was something that I along with others have been predicting! But because of the news yesterday, it made me think of weddingbee again and go to it.
Its so easy to get wrapped up in that type of excitement. But I think now more than ever, God is saying take it slow. I feel like God has told me before to take it slow in other situations and relationships, like with H. But for whatever reasons, it usually moved faster than it probably should've. In the past, I know I haven't done a very good job at being patient, listening, and trusting. I usually think I can handle things on my own and be in control. Of course, I am still continuing to learn and do these things. Despite all the anxiousness that comes with taking things slow, maybe this time He is providing exactly what I need to help me really learn what slow means and is. Usually the other person is in a rush to jump into it also. This time it doesn't seem like it, which can be confusing at times. But hopefully something good will come out from it? Its hard to take things with a grain of salt but at the same time keep a balance in this friendship...
trust.
on another quick note. Quick recap past weekend. Rented a car drove to Austin to hang out w/Tiffany finally. Got my first speeding ticket ever on the way up there :( Watched Manson's volleyball game. Tried to squeeze behind the bleachers where we were sitting to get his mom's jacket which fell back there. My body fit in that gap, but I couldn't inch down far enough to grab the jacket with my foot. It felt like I couldn't slide down further because of my rear end. I know for a fact if I didn't gain the 8 pounds, I would've fit in that gap much easier. Sigh... oh well...and we ate out every single day. Stayed up chatting w/tiff until 5am, woke up late and incurred more unnecessary expenses since the car will be returned a day late. Lessons learned this weekend..
.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
T.M. and passed!
its been quite a week these past 5ish days...
* Found out I passed my state certification test for math 4-8! now need to decide whether I'll take the generalist k-6 next or generalist 4-8. I realized I am ok with working at the school my mom works at, and its perfect because teachers are responsible for the 2 subjects I would want to teach. Math and reading. Of course I still need to learn more about the administration, their planning process, teacher support etc..
* Toasts were made with awesome people, Sandy and Manson sitting outside under the sun, at the restaurant's patio table on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Good call Manson. Pray and toast originated today with more awesome people, Krystle and Megan at Agora on another sunny afternoon! Grateful for all the girls and people God blesses me with :)
* Finally bought my bridesmaid dress, the shoes are next.
* Got my doctors appt. for thyroid moved up to the end of March and I would get results in 3 to 4 days. Nervous but hoping it won't be anything meds can't fix!
* Saw this in my phone's online photo album. Completely forgot I had these which is not a good sign. Now I want to go home and dig them out!
* PRETTY :) I like this! Except the first word love is a little higher now that I look at it...
* marks from my fingers gripping my upper arm
* Found out I passed my state certification test for math 4-8! now need to decide whether I'll take the generalist k-6 next or generalist 4-8. I realized I am ok with working at the school my mom works at, and its perfect because teachers are responsible for the 2 subjects I would want to teach. Math and reading. Of course I still need to learn more about the administration, their planning process, teacher support etc..
* Toasts were made with awesome people, Sandy and Manson sitting outside under the sun, at the restaurant's patio table on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Good call Manson. Pray and toast originated today with more awesome people, Krystle and Megan at Agora on another sunny afternoon! Grateful for all the girls and people God blesses me with :)
* Finally bought my bridesmaid dress, the shoes are next.
* Got my doctors appt. for thyroid moved up to the end of March and I would get results in 3 to 4 days. Nervous but hoping it won't be anything meds can't fix!
* Saw this in my phone's online photo album. Completely forgot I had these which is not a good sign. Now I want to go home and dig them out!
* PRETTY :) I like this! Except the first word love is a little higher now that I look at it...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
still, not anxious
Something just hit me as I was looking through my email anticipating a certain one. I shouldn't be expecting and getting myself all worked up. Part of allowing Him to be in control is to just let things be instead of going out of my way and trying to make things happen.
I secretly kind of want this. But if its right, you'll bring it to me God. It's hard to let this small idea that has developed go...but I know you'll bring it back full force if it is in your plan. But for now, help me keep the thoughts in check and just trust that you are molding, strengthening, preparing, building up the best for me.
I secretly kind of want this. But if its right, you'll bring it to me God. It's hard to let this small idea that has developed go...but I know you'll bring it back full force if it is in your plan. But for now, help me keep the thoughts in check and just trust that you are molding, strengthening, preparing, building up the best for me.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Philippians and Hebrews
I'm excited! I've finally started reading my Bible again after a short stint of neglecting it...
Looking forward to this weekend! Will try to pack free hot yoga in the morning, free Red Mango yogurt in Rice Village, help/hangout with the Leungs for lunch, try to maybe make my way into Richmond for the Shum's house warming, and free move at Studio Movie Grill!
my kind of crazy Saturday :)
Had a good girl hangout time today with all four of us. It's been awhile... excited for things falling into place for Nicole and I know they will too for you K..don't give up on Him..
Although things are looking scary and pretty uncertain ahead, I'm feeling oddly optimistic and excited at the same time! A gut feeling I hope isn't wrong...?
Maybe its the 3 weddings I'm looking forward to all between May and June or the fact that I am finally slowly trying to get control of my compulsive eating. Still need to watch my portions and selections, but had brown rice, broiled catfish, some chicken, japanese yams, and mixed veggies yesterday. Although a few cookies got in afterwards...
Looking forward to this weekend! Will try to pack free hot yoga in the morning, free Red Mango yogurt in Rice Village, help/hangout with the Leungs for lunch, try to maybe make my way into Richmond for the Shum's house warming, and free move at Studio Movie Grill!
my kind of crazy Saturday :)
Had a good girl hangout time today with all four of us. It's been awhile... excited for things falling into place for Nicole and I know they will too for you K..don't give up on Him..
Although things are looking scary and pretty uncertain ahead, I'm feeling oddly optimistic and excited at the same time! A gut feeling I hope isn't wrong...?
Maybe its the 3 weddings I'm looking forward to all between May and June or the fact that I am finally slowly trying to get control of my compulsive eating. Still need to watch my portions and selections, but had brown rice, broiled catfish, some chicken, japanese yams, and mixed veggies yesterday. Although a few cookies got in afterwards...
Monday, February 22, 2010
the song. & needing strength
This Kind of Love - Sister Hazel
This is the song. I've found it. (tentative, whomever he is out there agrees. Also if I don't come across something better or change my mind.)
It may be silly, but whenever I see other people's weddings, I've always thought about how I have no clue, not even a start to what song I would want a first dance to. So I'm saying it now, that "This Kind of Love" is a pretty good candidate. Although all of this is of course very premature considering I'm not even in a relationship...but just thoughts to tuck away for now.
Strength. I felt weak throughout parts of this weekend. Weak in the sense of worrying a lot about what is to come in these next few months. I'm afraid. I hate this uncertainty. Uncertainty across all spectrums. Needing to completely give everything over for that peace. Sometimes I think I have, but then again I'm still clinging onto something within myself. Peace with relationships, peace with family, peace with a job, peace with where I am at.
In retrospect, it was indeed less stressful and comforting to know that at I had a well paying job lined up a year n half prior to graduation. All I had to do was keep going with the school and step into that job.
Now its 3 months until graduation. I know many people look for jobs around now and even after as they graduate. But the time in the business college has completely given me the mentality that unless I have a job lined up before graduation, I'm doomed. Ok, not that dramatic. Most of the job fairs for the school districts within education are in May. But I'm just too anxious not knowing and cutting it so close. I'm too used to the business mentality.
At the same time, I feel like I don't know what I want again. I always find myself still looking at job openings within business on the UH career website. Its that point again where I am so close to reaching something and I decided I don't want it anymore for whatever reason.
Its been hard for me to put the past completely behind me. I try and its working most of the time, but I think its not understanding why not me but her. To be happy for him?? To go forth and try to be friends even though our friends period wasn't much of one at all.
I've been saying over and over and I know, what cannot be used as my distraction. But honestly, that would just be so much easier. To have someone else to think of. He did.
I want to give into that so badly, but I know against everything I feel right now that God is waiting for me to get through this period. To reach that peace and come to that place of being fully content in Him. Its in my nature to care to people so its hard for me right now to not do so for one person. At the same time I know God probably means for me to channel that care in other ways and to other people right now. Maybe its to concentrate to love and care upon my family more first. The extra time I spend at home now or with my aunt. The time I've been spending in the kitchen cooking or baking.
I want to care for someone and to be able to share the delights and disappointments of life together. He knows my heart, He knows this. My old high school youth leader re-posted an entry she made before she started dating her now husband. She told God what she wanted in life with a spouse but also that she trusted Him. I want to allow God to completely be the lover of my soul as well.
This was her entry. If she ever reads this, I hope she doesn't mind I put it on here...
"I've realized something about myself: I hate the feeling of missing out. It's got to be one of the worst feelings in the world - to know that there are so many amazing things out there waiting to be personally discovered and revealed to you, and then you miss out on the chance.
On July 3, 2003, about 2.5 weeks later, he shared his feelings for me.
Jesus is still the Lover of my soul. I have not "missed out" on anything good in life ... but I've only been given the best."
Lord,
When it gets hard, when I am anxious, when I am worried and not at peace, take it all away and give me the strength to turn and fall into your outstretched arms instead of trying to support myself with feeble arms. In moments of weakness, remind me every time that I also, have not "missed out" on anything good in life...but I will only be given the best. Whether it is companionship, a job, and everything else in between.
This is the song. I've found it. (tentative, whomever he is out there agrees. Also if I don't come across something better or change my mind.)
It may be silly, but whenever I see other people's weddings, I've always thought about how I have no clue, not even a start to what song I would want a first dance to. So I'm saying it now, that "This Kind of Love" is a pretty good candidate. Although all of this is of course very premature considering I'm not even in a relationship...but just thoughts to tuck away for now.
Strength. I felt weak throughout parts of this weekend. Weak in the sense of worrying a lot about what is to come in these next few months. I'm afraid. I hate this uncertainty. Uncertainty across all spectrums. Needing to completely give everything over for that peace. Sometimes I think I have, but then again I'm still clinging onto something within myself. Peace with relationships, peace with family, peace with a job, peace with where I am at.
In retrospect, it was indeed less stressful and comforting to know that at I had a well paying job lined up a year n half prior to graduation. All I had to do was keep going with the school and step into that job.
Now its 3 months until graduation. I know many people look for jobs around now and even after as they graduate. But the time in the business college has completely given me the mentality that unless I have a job lined up before graduation, I'm doomed. Ok, not that dramatic. Most of the job fairs for the school districts within education are in May. But I'm just too anxious not knowing and cutting it so close. I'm too used to the business mentality.
At the same time, I feel like I don't know what I want again. I always find myself still looking at job openings within business on the UH career website. Its that point again where I am so close to reaching something and I decided I don't want it anymore for whatever reason.
Its been hard for me to put the past completely behind me. I try and its working most of the time, but I think its not understanding why not me but her. To be happy for him?? To go forth and try to be friends even though our friends period wasn't much of one at all.
I've been saying over and over and I know, what cannot be used as my distraction. But honestly, that would just be so much easier. To have someone else to think of. He did.
I want to give into that so badly, but I know against everything I feel right now that God is waiting for me to get through this period. To reach that peace and come to that place of being fully content in Him. Its in my nature to care to people so its hard for me right now to not do so for one person. At the same time I know God probably means for me to channel that care in other ways and to other people right now. Maybe its to concentrate to love and care upon my family more first. The extra time I spend at home now or with my aunt. The time I've been spending in the kitchen cooking or baking.
I want to care for someone and to be able to share the delights and disappointments of life together. He knows my heart, He knows this. My old high school youth leader re-posted an entry she made before she started dating her now husband. She told God what she wanted in life with a spouse but also that she trusted Him. I want to allow God to completely be the lover of my soul as well.
This was her entry. If she ever reads this, I hope she doesn't mind I put it on here...
"I've realized something about myself: I hate the feeling of missing out. It's got to be one of the worst feelings in the world - to know that there are so many amazing things out there waiting to be personally discovered and revealed to you, and then you miss out on the chance.
I think that's why I'm always willing to try new things. I love the thrill of embarking on a new adventure; I love the process of finding truth and beauty; I love the liberating feeling of being unblinded; I love being in awe of seeing God's amazing talent in His creation all over the world. The oceans, the mountains, the forests, the skies...they all bear His name.
I know that I will have many opportunities in my life to see these things. but what i wish the most, and what is most unknown, is to share these moments with someone by my side.
But i am thankful to the Lord, because He truly is the Lover of my soul, and that is enough to know for now.
On July 3, 2003, about 2.5 weeks later, he shared his feelings for me.
Jesus is still the Lover of my soul. I have not "missed out" on anything good in life ... but I've only been given the best."
Lord,
When it gets hard, when I am anxious, when I am worried and not at peace, take it all away and give me the strength to turn and fall into your outstretched arms instead of trying to support myself with feeble arms. In moments of weakness, remind me every time that I also, have not "missed out" on anything good in life...but I will only be given the best. Whether it is companionship, a job, and everything else in between.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
day 2
small group was a little overwhelming today. There were things about "better" wanting something better than what we have, losing our lives to save it, etc...My brain is still trying to gather all the pieces of everything that was said tonight. But he knew what the line of questions was parallel to. I still feel like there is something unsaid between us and we brush it (or mainly he brushes it) under the rug and everything is "ok."
I want to write and remember everything about earlier tonight, but at the same time I don't. Plus I'm forgetting already...sigh. the thoughts are just everyywhere.
I'm in a good place of letting go and haven't thought about the whole thing in awhile. But tonights sg just raised questions and points that opened up the can of worms again and me trying to figure it out and understand. I just don't understand. I don't know what I want from it, from you. I wish none of this ever happened.
lunch - oatmeal with raisins and 3 spoons of vanilla yogurt.
snack - donut around 2ish
at randalls - sampled 3/4 of a chocolate chip cookie
at small group - celery w/peanut butter, honey mustard and onion pretzle pieces, a little hummus and pita chips, a few carrots, few spoons of josh's creme brulee
back at my aunt's - soup, left over restaurant lobster, a chicken wing with rice, dim sum meatball, chinese green vegetable, ferrero chocolate, 3 cookies, an orange
I want to write and remember everything about earlier tonight, but at the same time I don't. Plus I'm forgetting already...sigh. the thoughts are just everyywhere.
I'm in a good place of letting go and haven't thought about the whole thing in awhile. But tonights sg just raised questions and points that opened up the can of worms again and me trying to figure it out and understand. I just don't understand. I don't know what I want from it, from you. I wish none of this ever happened.
lunch - oatmeal with raisins and 3 spoons of vanilla yogurt.
snack - donut around 2ish
at randalls - sampled 3/4 of a chocolate chip cookie
at small group - celery w/peanut butter, honey mustard and onion pretzle pieces, a little hummus and pita chips, a few carrots, few spoons of josh's creme brulee
back at my aunt's - soup, left over restaurant lobster, a chicken wing with rice, dim sum meatball, chinese green vegetable, ferrero chocolate, 3 cookies, an orange
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
i'm giving in....day 1 - food journal
I thought it was the silliest most unnecessary thing when Que told me she was starting a food journal. Her goal was to lose 5 pounds which I don't think she needs to. But of course, others will probably tell me the same thing if I said I wanted to lose 8 pounds. I used to think I was invincible and had the best metabolism in the world eating whatever and whenever I wanted to. I don't know when my fast metabolism started failing me but I'm obviously taking in more calories than I am burning. :(
Will people really tell you if you've gained weight and need to lose it? It's something I've noticed for myself, but surely some friends and my family has seen the change. But no one really says anything. Why? If its 1 or 2 pounds, ok...its hardly noticable. But 8-9? you can tell...
There's pressure from myself to stop the compulsive eating. (I read an article today in Good Housekeeping on compulsive eating. It was really interesting and was almost spot on about me.) But when no one else draws the weight gain to my attention, its too easy to let things slide, giving in to the unnecessary food and tell myself I'll start over tomorrow and eat better. But if someone else tells me, you've gained weight and need to lose it, it makes me more motivated in a sense and know I need to work harder at it, because it is noticeable not only to me, but others.
Anyways, all this still may seem silly and I'll be told you're fine. But yesterday when my dad saw me munching on dry cereal, he looked at me and sighed. He could see it. After I brought it up to my mom, she agreed and said she saw it also. It sucks but its true. You can always count on them to be honest.
A few items of clothing that I never wore because they were big, are now snug and I don't fit into two pairs of jeans!
So I'm going to give the food journal thing a shot and hopefully remember to write it down everyday somewhere..
Of course, today I said I would start over after stuffing myself yesterday with sushi, crawfish,potatoes, and corn, then some macaroni and ground turkey, and a bowl of cereal all from 5pm - 11pm.
2/17/10
- munched on cereal around 11ish am
-a little bit more cereal and an apple for lunch
- granola bar around 4
- dinner at the dorm cafeteria buffet style.
plate 1 - rotisserie chicken (white meat maybe 4 oz?), corn, green beans
plate 2 - spaghetti with meatballs, broccoli, and mushrooms and had maybe a fourth of french toast style bread with ham and swiss cheese. (the spaghetti filled half a plate, I ate half of that maybe)
plate 3 - small rotisserie chicken leg and half of a corn on cob
ice cream cone with 2 small scoops of butter pecan and 1 strawberry
When I got home: (my aunt's) the danger zone where food is everyywhere
- 3 - 4 tortilla chips with guacamole
- a few bites of pan fried noodles
- an apple pastry turnover with 2 scoops of black walnut ice cream
I'm tired of thinking and writing everything I ate.
THIS IS BAD. I'm almost embarressed to post this haha...oh well....when improvements start taking place, seeing the progression will be nice.
Will people really tell you if you've gained weight and need to lose it? It's something I've noticed for myself, but surely some friends and my family has seen the change. But no one really says anything. Why? If its 1 or 2 pounds, ok...its hardly noticable. But 8-9? you can tell...
There's pressure from myself to stop the compulsive eating. (I read an article today in Good Housekeeping on compulsive eating. It was really interesting and was almost spot on about me.) But when no one else draws the weight gain to my attention, its too easy to let things slide, giving in to the unnecessary food and tell myself I'll start over tomorrow and eat better. But if someone else tells me, you've gained weight and need to lose it, it makes me more motivated in a sense and know I need to work harder at it, because it is noticeable not only to me, but others.
Anyways, all this still may seem silly and I'll be told you're fine. But yesterday when my dad saw me munching on dry cereal, he looked at me and sighed. He could see it. After I brought it up to my mom, she agreed and said she saw it also. It sucks but its true. You can always count on them to be honest.
A few items of clothing that I never wore because they were big, are now snug and I don't fit into two pairs of jeans!
So I'm going to give the food journal thing a shot and hopefully remember to write it down everyday somewhere..
Of course, today I said I would start over after stuffing myself yesterday with sushi, crawfish,potatoes, and corn, then some macaroni and ground turkey, and a bowl of cereal all from 5pm - 11pm.
2/17/10
- munched on cereal around 11ish am
-a little bit more cereal and an apple for lunch
- granola bar around 4
- dinner at the dorm cafeteria buffet style.
plate 1 - rotisserie chicken (white meat maybe 4 oz?), corn, green beans
plate 2 - spaghetti with meatballs, broccoli, and mushrooms and had maybe a fourth of french toast style bread with ham and swiss cheese. (the spaghetti filled half a plate, I ate half of that maybe)
plate 3 - small rotisserie chicken leg and half of a corn on cob
ice cream cone with 2 small scoops of butter pecan and 1 strawberry
When I got home: (my aunt's) the danger zone where food is everyywhere
- 3 - 4 tortilla chips with guacamole
- a few bites of pan fried noodles
- an apple pastry turnover with 2 scoops of black walnut ice cream
I'm tired of thinking and writing everything I ate.
THIS IS BAD. I'm almost embarressed to post this haha...oh well....when improvements start taking place, seeing the progression will be nice.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Philippians 4:6-7
I was looking at my friend Hannah's wedding page, http://www.hargerwedding.com/
and reading the his and her story section, I hope she wouldn't mind me putting this here!
anyways, as I read and finished reading the verse, the longest string of tingles went through me..the good mmhmm feeling ones...even after as I re-read it 2 more times...
This last part of her story just reminded me of how important it is to have someone that will spiritually lead and uplift you, and walk with you in Christ. It was also encouraging to read that she trusted God and He was faithful.
I need to constantly remind myself of the verse in this funny weird time of transition through life stages and other things..
" I cannot even articulate all the ways God has blessed me through John William. I think one of the biggest things God has taught me is patience. We have known we wanted to marry each other for 3 ½ years now (it will be almost 4 when we actually get married), and that has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. Early on, when we knew we had a long journey in front of us, John William gave me this verse to stick to:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
I have had to cling to those verses so many times throughout our relationship and just trust that God's peace would truly guard my heart. The Lord is faithful..."
-Hannah
and reading the his and her story section, I hope she wouldn't mind me putting this here!
anyways, as I read and finished reading the verse, the longest string of tingles went through me..the good mmhmm feeling ones...even after as I re-read it 2 more times...
This last part of her story just reminded me of how important it is to have someone that will spiritually lead and uplift you, and walk with you in Christ. It was also encouraging to read that she trusted God and He was faithful.
I need to constantly remind myself of the verse in this funny weird time of transition through life stages and other things..
" I cannot even articulate all the ways God has blessed me through John William. I think one of the biggest things God has taught me is patience. We have known we wanted to marry each other for 3 ½ years now (it will be almost 4 when we actually get married), and that has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. Early on, when we knew we had a long journey in front of us, John William gave me this verse to stick to:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
I have had to cling to those verses so many times throughout our relationship and just trust that God's peace would truly guard my heart. The Lord is faithful..."
-Hannah
Saturday, February 6, 2010
In good hands
I know it. When I think nothing will compare or that I am faulty, He shows me that I don't need to worry. He will provide abundantly.
It's a slight moment of dejavu from last year. I'm presented with more than I began with when I question why it didn't work with what I initially had. I think the test is to continue being patient and faithful. Not so much to jump immediately at what my heart wants and reach for it myself, but to wait for Him to give it to me. It's another chance for me to do that now. It's like being a child who is eager to stand up and walk. You try and try to pull yourself up because you want to stand and walk, but if you aren't ready or they aren't ready you'll fall back down until the time is just right for the best.
I don't really know if that analogy makes sense lol, but for some reason it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Anyways, this verse was on the Access newsletter email the other day. Was just right.
The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14
From last Nov. One sweet day... :) my baptism
My mood swings produces really bad shopping therapy I need to work on. Sigh. It's usually clothing items or food since being at a grocery store makes me happy =P
The craziness ranges from almost 2 bills (although some are getting returned ) to $10 with all my awesome coupons and discounts..
It's a slight moment of dejavu from last year. I'm presented with more than I began with when I question why it didn't work with what I initially had. I think the test is to continue being patient and faithful. Not so much to jump immediately at what my heart wants and reach for it myself, but to wait for Him to give it to me. It's another chance for me to do that now. It's like being a child who is eager to stand up and walk. You try and try to pull yourself up because you want to stand and walk, but if you aren't ready or they aren't ready you'll fall back down until the time is just right for the best.
I don't really know if that analogy makes sense lol, but for some reason it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Anyways, this verse was on the Access newsletter email the other day. Was just right.
The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14
From last Nov. One sweet day... :) my baptism
My mood swings produces really bad shopping therapy I need to work on. Sigh. It's usually clothing items or food since being at a grocery store makes me happy =P
The craziness ranges from almost 2 bills (although some are getting returned ) to $10 with all my awesome coupons and discounts..
Thursday, January 28, 2010
up, down, up, up, down,...and on and on...
Hi Chim, I have to ask. Who are you? hardly anyone comments on my blog since not many people know about it. But since u did, just wondering! :)
This past week, the topic of prayer has resurfaced more times than I imagined! Last week, I finally began reading my copy of Too Busy Not To Pray. Then Mondays small group was a study in Ephesians on prayer. Today, the Thurs small group also studied prayer. In the Access (my church) newsletter, it said the last part of the message series this Sunday will be on prayer.
What is going on?? coincidence not... In sg today, someone shared that sometimes as we pray, the purpose or outcome of prayer is to receive peace from God rather than praying for specific things that may directly affect the situation or circumstance. Its funny because toward the end of last year, something I took away from sg was similar to this. I don't have the verse in front of me, but I think the idea behind it in my notes was something along the lines of this. Sometimes you know already know the answers to your prayers. but as you continue to pray and ask for God's will and guidance, you are praying not so much for God's will to be changed, but to come to accept and be at peace with what you already know. I dunno if that makes any sense or is correct. I hope my memory of my take away from that particular sg night isn't too off.
So tonight I was in a semi-positive, confident mood about myself in regards to finally wanting to put the past behind and move forward. I didn't think getting to the point of finally starting to want to let go would be so difficult. I guess the last time I had to face rejection was over 6 years ago. Completely forgot what it felt like to be rejected for a friend or acquaintance of mine. But I'm sure I won't forget now since its pretty much the 4th time. But I had higher expectations for this one. We were held to higher standards which was what should've made all the difference. He really let me down in how things snowballed into what it is now. There must be a sign on my forehead or something that says date my friends. Ok, I'm slipping right now and allowing my bitter side to slightly come out. I've probably already vented about this already...
Then on the way leaving sg, I missed the entrance to I-10 and ended up taking Washington all the way down into Downtown. I forgot that Washington became Franklin. So I ended up taking Franklin all the way down until the feter of 59 behind Minute Maid and cut through the small bumpy streets back to my aunt's house.
Right after I pass 1-10 and Washington, I see the main post office on Franklin and Smith I think in Downtown.... Great. Another nostalgic moment.
Howard and I rode bikes a few times into Downtown. Twice from his house to the post office to mail stuff for his bro. We would ride all the way down Franklin, under 59, through a short underpass tunnel, and back to his house. In driving, I also used to take all the bumpy back roads from my aunt's place to his which was about 8 min.
So I basically took almost all of that same route today going home and recognized places along Franklin from when we rode bikes and cut through some of the same bumpy roads heading to my aunt's.
I don't understand. When I have good moments of clearing my mind of him and those few months, something always seems to spring back up.
I'm working hard on this. Am I being tested or what? I really don't need things that are reminders, but there are so many.
BTW, I do wonder when my blog will not have a mention of him. And that will be the day.....=P But I guess in the meantime, this is my outlet for that/him amongest other stuff in life. Its my therapy so it may be repetitve sometimes.
This past week, the topic of prayer has resurfaced more times than I imagined! Last week, I finally began reading my copy of Too Busy Not To Pray. Then Mondays small group was a study in Ephesians on prayer. Today, the Thurs small group also studied prayer. In the Access (my church) newsletter, it said the last part of the message series this Sunday will be on prayer.
What is going on?? coincidence not... In sg today, someone shared that sometimes as we pray, the purpose or outcome of prayer is to receive peace from God rather than praying for specific things that may directly affect the situation or circumstance. Its funny because toward the end of last year, something I took away from sg was similar to this. I don't have the verse in front of me, but I think the idea behind it in my notes was something along the lines of this. Sometimes you know already know the answers to your prayers. but as you continue to pray and ask for God's will and guidance, you are praying not so much for God's will to be changed, but to come to accept and be at peace with what you already know. I dunno if that makes any sense or is correct. I hope my memory of my take away from that particular sg night isn't too off.
So tonight I was in a semi-positive, confident mood about myself in regards to finally wanting to put the past behind and move forward. I didn't think getting to the point of finally starting to want to let go would be so difficult. I guess the last time I had to face rejection was over 6 years ago. Completely forgot what it felt like to be rejected for a friend or acquaintance of mine. But I'm sure I won't forget now since its pretty much the 4th time. But I had higher expectations for this one. We were held to higher standards which was what should've made all the difference. He really let me down in how things snowballed into what it is now. There must be a sign on my forehead or something that says date my friends. Ok, I'm slipping right now and allowing my bitter side to slightly come out. I've probably already vented about this already...
Then on the way leaving sg, I missed the entrance to I-10 and ended up taking Washington all the way down into Downtown. I forgot that Washington became Franklin. So I ended up taking Franklin all the way down until the feter of 59 behind Minute Maid and cut through the small bumpy streets back to my aunt's house.
Right after I pass 1-10 and Washington, I see the main post office on Franklin and Smith I think in Downtown.... Great. Another nostalgic moment.
Howard and I rode bikes a few times into Downtown. Twice from his house to the post office to mail stuff for his bro. We would ride all the way down Franklin, under 59, through a short underpass tunnel, and back to his house. In driving, I also used to take all the bumpy back roads from my aunt's place to his which was about 8 min.
So I basically took almost all of that same route today going home and recognized places along Franklin from when we rode bikes and cut through some of the same bumpy roads heading to my aunt's.
I don't understand. When I have good moments of clearing my mind of him and those few months, something always seems to spring back up.
I'm working hard on this. Am I being tested or what? I really don't need things that are reminders, but there are so many.
BTW, I do wonder when my blog will not have a mention of him. And that will be the day.....=P But I guess in the meantime, this is my outlet for that/him amongest other stuff in life. Its my therapy so it may be repetitve sometimes.
Monday, January 25, 2010
what the heck...
If what I'm seeing is correct and history ends up repeating, I'm going to be speechless. Simply speechless.
But you know what, on the the other hand, I kind of want it to end up repeating. (Of course this is only so I'll be proving a bigger point) But if it does, then what will be the course of things?
Please tell me its a joke. I can't exactly tell right now. But even if it is, somehow I can easily see the joke become reality.
What are YOU doing?!?!
But you know what, on the the other hand, I kind of want it to end up repeating. (Of course this is only so I'll be proving a bigger point) But if it does, then what will be the course of things?
Please tell me its a joke. I can't exactly tell right now. But even if it is, somehow I can easily see the joke become reality.
What are YOU doing?!?!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
wishing I can make everything ok for everyone
Why do I feel like its my job, responsibility, burden, whatever you choose to label it, to make everything ok.
What will be considered ok anyways? Once it is ok, does the cycle just repeat itself? Even if it is ok, things still have to be maintained. So technically, it is never ok because that job/responsibility/burden will still fall on someone to keep things..ok.
I'm probably not making sense to most people. This is written out of the moment in reaction to a conversation that just took place with my brother. I'm sitting on the toilet with the seat down and my laptop. Just had to leave the room, couldn't sit there next to him and cry. blah.
I hate being back at square one with everything. Its just like the first half of last year. The same worries, headaches, and heartaches. He breaks me and makes me to depend on Him. He brought me through it and provided in more ways than one. He will again, I know it. It's just hard in the mean time because I don't know when and how...
Lord,
Help me not be bitter over past circumstances and people who've played a role in things leading up to this point. Show me my role and what I need to continue doing or not doing. Open doors for me so I can do things that are not for myself but to try and help make things ok for others.
Please hear me..
J.
What will be considered ok anyways? Once it is ok, does the cycle just repeat itself? Even if it is ok, things still have to be maintained. So technically, it is never ok because that job/responsibility/burden will still fall on someone to keep things..ok.
I'm probably not making sense to most people. This is written out of the moment in reaction to a conversation that just took place with my brother. I'm sitting on the toilet with the seat down and my laptop. Just had to leave the room, couldn't sit there next to him and cry. blah.
I hate being back at square one with everything. Its just like the first half of last year. The same worries, headaches, and heartaches. He breaks me and makes me to depend on Him. He brought me through it and provided in more ways than one. He will again, I know it. It's just hard in the mean time because I don't know when and how...
Lord,
Help me not be bitter over past circumstances and people who've played a role in things leading up to this point. Show me my role and what I need to continue doing or not doing. Open doors for me so I can do things that are not for myself but to try and help make things ok for others.
Please hear me..
J.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
